dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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