Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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