If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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