6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
