They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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