Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
