you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
