Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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