They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
