I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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