One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
