I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Found the puke drawer
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
