wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
