Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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