He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
whose parrot is this?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
