Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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