i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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