I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
