Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
