Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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