PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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