I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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