I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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