I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
