Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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