Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
