True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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