Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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