someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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