Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
