I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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