the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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