I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
