shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
