I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
