I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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