dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
