so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
