nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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