Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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