Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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