we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
