No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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