did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
