u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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