Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
