My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
