i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
