cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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