He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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