Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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